I thought it only right that I should talk about Negative Energy too. Destructive, damaging, Selfish, Nasty, Painful, Cruel. As someone who focuses on making people feel good, feel better, energized, happy this is something which I want to do everything in my power to remove. I hope my story will help you, whoever is reading this and in pain, being abused, emotionally or physically. I want you to know that I understand.
My ex-boyfriend had a fierce temper. The slightest thing would set it off. Shopping trips, household chores, turning my back to put food down for the animals when he was speaking. Agressive, nasty, spiteful attacks that I put up with for years, everyday trying to be more and more careful not to trigger his anger towards me. Constantly stepping on egg shells. I was a nervous wreck. It affected me at work, I slept badly, woke up each morning in fear. Worried on my way home from work what his mood would be. Most days I didn’t want to cycle home, fearful of what I would face. Did he ever hit me? No. Not as such. But words can be just as harmful as fists. Because words affect our minds, our hearts, our very being. Words, certain words like ‘Fuck Off!’ From a partner who you love can be as destructive and damaging as a bullet or a knife. And often the wounds take far longer to heal.
I struggled to make him happy. I paid the bills, gave him money, tried to placate him. I did my best to keep our sexual relationship alive. In the beginning he had been the most wonderful teacher. But after a short time the pleasure I enjoyed in our bed was marred by the pain he inflicted on me the rest of the time. The constant criticism and hurtful remarks.
He began to push me away. Our sex life became almost non existent apart from the occasional ‘charity handjob’ as I came to think of them. A way of keeping me quiet for another week, another month. I never really had hard evidence that he was cheating on me but there were signs, constantly. My stomach churned as I lay in bed beside him each night, wondering how many lies he had invented that day to control me.
Then one night, about 5 years into our now broken relationship, I snapped. I had had enough of his abuse. And I freed myself. It was scary those first few weeks without him, without this life that I had known, without my home. But gradually I adapted. I walked the streets of London and I invented a new life, one full of colour and joy and harmony and freedom.
That was almost 3 years ago. Now I am in a new country. The warm Spainsh night fills my senses. The Palm trees stand majestically against a crimson sky. The mountains are my protectors, my guardians. I am free.
No one has any control over you unless you give them control. There are always choices. You do not have to suffer in silence. There are people who want to show you kindness, compassion, empathy and above all respect. Negativity does not have to have a role in your life. I firmly believe that once we change the way we feel about ourselves, our life improves immeasurably.
Love and Light. Aaron. X